While many are still excited about Obama's win on Tuesday, there is another big international player who is looking to make a come back next year.
Assuming that his constant state of being awesome would be some what tiring for anyone else, Vladimir Putin has swiftly judo chopped that misconception in the neck, and is looking to be back in 09. Some early reports are saying that Dmitry "Bearman" Medvedev might resign sometime in the coming year due to a horrendously low 76% approval rating. This is also hitting the papers while, Bearman is looking to pass a two year extension for a presidential term, allowing any following presidents to rule for, possibly, two six year terms. If this was to play out like this, then, the Russian people would be, again, formally ruled by their God from 2009 to 2021. Sadly, we were unable to get any confirmation from the Putin camp due to him hosting his Annual International Arm Wrestling Competition.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20081106/wl_nm/us_russia_medvedev_putin
Josh Yagley, Senior Vladimir Putin Expert for Facebook
Friday, May 15, 2009
Nickelback - Dark Horse Review
While most of the music world was making fun of Nickelback after their 2005 release, All The Right Reasons, Nickelback was tirelessly tuning, and tweaking their sound, for their next release. If anything, this is nothing less than obvious with their new album, Dark Horse. Nickelback has never been the best way to court music fans but with this release, the band has broken new ground. From the slide guitar introduction in Something In Your Mouth, to the sure-to-be-classic party song, This Afternoon, Dark Horse never questions who it is, and that's being awesome.
The opening song, Something In Your Mouth is an erotic battlefield, with the booming drums acting as mortars and Chad Kroeger's mouth, the machine guns. He rapidly spits out the first words in this fist pumping assault, got to meet the hottie with the million dollar body they say its over budget but you'd pay her just to touch it and with those words, you can tell that this is a different kind of Nickelback, this isn't your Mom's Nickelback anymore, Nickelback is all grown up and ready to fuck your shit up! On a first listen, the only issue with Something In Your Mouth is that it looks to be only 3:39 long, but Nickelback, being the brilliant motherfuckers they are, had the second track pretty much the exact same song. Fantastically played Nickelback.
But I think the best instance of Chad Kroeger's lyrical genius is best represented in the chorus from, S.E.X.
S is for the simple need.
E is for the ecstasy.
X is just to mark the spot,
Because that's the one you really want.
(Yes!) Sex is always the answer, it's never a question,
'Coz the answer's yes, oh the answers (Yes)
Not just a suggestion, if you ask a question,
Then it's always yes. Yeeeah!
With his effortless use of spell poetry, to his bold answer to the question that there isn't a question but only an answer when it comes to sex. Kroeger so wonderfully weaves these words together that I would go so far as to say that it lyrically surpasses even, Photograph.
With this release, Nickelback is back and they're here to carry out a full front assault on your ears. They are going to kick the fucking shit out of your fucking eardrums and you're going to fucking love it.
The opening song, Something In Your Mouth is an erotic battlefield, with the booming drums acting as mortars and Chad Kroeger's mouth, the machine guns. He rapidly spits out the first words in this fist pumping assault, got to meet the hottie with the million dollar body they say its over budget but you'd pay her just to touch it and with those words, you can tell that this is a different kind of Nickelback, this isn't your Mom's Nickelback anymore, Nickelback is all grown up and ready to fuck your shit up! On a first listen, the only issue with Something In Your Mouth is that it looks to be only 3:39 long, but Nickelback, being the brilliant motherfuckers they are, had the second track pretty much the exact same song. Fantastically played Nickelback.
But I think the best instance of Chad Kroeger's lyrical genius is best represented in the chorus from, S.E.X.
S is for the simple need.
E is for the ecstasy.
X is just to mark the spot,
Because that's the one you really want.
(Yes!) Sex is always the answer, it's never a question,
'Coz the answer's yes, oh the answers (Yes)
Not just a suggestion, if you ask a question,
Then it's always yes. Yeeeah!
With his effortless use of spell poetry, to his bold answer to the question that there isn't a question but only an answer when it comes to sex. Kroeger so wonderfully weaves these words together that I would go so far as to say that it lyrically surpasses even, Photograph.
With this release, Nickelback is back and they're here to carry out a full front assault on your ears. They are going to kick the fucking shit out of your fucking eardrums and you're going to fucking love it.
Like Any Other Day
Episode 1: The Picnic
Commercial Pitch
Narrator:
In the year 2100, man is still recovering from a nuclear war that nearly decimated the Earth. But thanks to the tireless work of Professor Fred Lindstom, and his team of crack geneticist, the human race found their savior in the creature many thought to be just legend. Dragons. This is the story of what followed...
[Record Scratch]
and about trying to get through the work week!
_____________________
Boss:
I call them Dragon Pajamas! They're clothes for our line of at-home dragons.
Jeff, the straight man:
But if you put clothes on a dragon wouldn't they just burn them off?
Boss:
Oh no! You see that's the best part! The new guy whipped this up for me. They're fireproof!
Sticks the tiny shirt in front of a dragon sitting on the table, and taps it on the head. Fire shoots out of its nose. The shirt catches a flame.
Hmm, well the final product will be fireproof...
Jeff smiles at the camera
______________________
Boss:
As I'm sure you all know, the company picnic with our rivals is this Saturday. I want everyone to be in top physical shape for the event. That means, eat and sleep well before the event.
Jeff:
Why do we even share the picnic with them?
Boss:
It's an old tradition of showing good sportsmanship between our companies.
Jeff:
But if that's true, then why do we cheat each year?
Boss:
Because, we need to show we're better at sportsmanship!
Jeff smiles at the camera, and takes a sip of his coffee. Also a dragon randomly caws
______________________
Jeff:
[Whispers] Shh, be quite! I'm going to trick Travis with this fake love Dragon Letter! Shh!
Puts the letter in the Dragon's mouth and sneaks around to the other side of the shared desk
Travis, the yes man:
Ha-ha! I got the last doughnut!
Looks at the pink letter. Picks it up and starts reading. He is obviously very happy
Guess who has a date tonight?
Jeff:
Your dragon?
Travis:
No! Me! You idiot.
Jeff:
Oh? You were able to ask your cousin on a second date?
Travis:
No, god! You're such a moron.
[Pause]
Wow, I think this is perfume.
Jeff smiles at the camera, sips his coffee, and winks
______________________
Boss:
Our company has had very little growth over the past few years. It seems to be imperative to move into new markets.
Jeff:
That's what she said!
Everyone has a good belly laugh for a few seconds
Another dragon caws
______________________
Travis is sitting at a park bench with dragons calling all around him. Camera pans to a window with a man staring outside.
Camera Two
Jeff is in his pajamas. He smiles at the camera, sips his coffee, winks, and gives the okay sign
______________________
Confession Shot with Jeff
Jeff:
I guess we have fun. But it's like any other day.
Narrator:
Like Any Other Day, Friday nights at 8 on WB
A dragon caws
Jeff:
Shut the fuck up dragon!
______________________
Somewhere in a television studio's conference room
Me:
So... what do you guys think?!
Producer:
Okay two things; You do realize that this is just The Office, with dragons right?
Me:
Wait what? Did you say The Office?
Producer:
Uhh, yeah.
Me:
Oh, then yes, it's exactly like that then.
[Pause]
And second?
Producer:
This is quite possibly the most retarded thing I have ever been shown. Get out of my office.
Me:
Well can I have my tape back at least?
Producer:
No, leave it. I'm going to burn it later.
Chuck E. Cheese: Chapter 2
Sorry guys, but I'm a lying asshole, and I wasn't able to cover my entire, exciting trip to Chuck E. Cheese. So enjoy the second chapter of my ridiculously stupid Halloween story, and expect more in November. But anyway, HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE
Chapter 2
As the curtain was raised higher and higher; the cheers became louder and louder. With the horde of children producing the most noise they could possibly create, the stage lights were cued; revealing what they were chanting for.
They stood reverently to greet their King.
Screwed down to the wood floor of the stage. There was what looked like; a pile of bolts, some poorly-disguised circuit boards, and cheap, mismatched, fur from Jo-Ann Fabrics' after Halloween clearance. It's appearance, to put it kindly, was homely. But no matter, the kids were nothing but ecstatic.
The machine's eyes shot open with a sound of turning gears. His cheap joints began to flail about, like a boy on a coat hanger. More lights flooded the stage exposing his small army of robots. There was a rabbit in a blue vest, who was playing the trumpet; a dog in a flamboyant, bedazzled jacket, playing keyboard; the duck, in jeans, playing bass; and finally a turtle playing drums. With the light shining on their $200 bodies, they opened their eyes, craned their heads back and forth, and made what ever movements that they were capable of completing in order to "play" their instruments.
"Hugh Hugh, Boys and Girls! Have you been having fun at Chuck E. Cheese?!" their leader shouted, while moving a curved piece of metal, up and down. Not even close to matching actual lip movement.
A jubilant, "YES!" came from the sea of kids surrounding me.
"Great to hear that!" a collective, of huge smiles appeared on the each of the audience member's faces.
"But I am sad today, boy and girls," shock and terror swiped over the children, "there's one person among us who doesn't love my Favorite Drink! And he is sitting with us right now!" causing a spot light to be shined right on top of me.
I was utterly confused. My mind racing, trying to sort out if I was in some sort of danger. But before coming to an sort of conclusion; everyone was already turned around and looking at me. Not one boy or girl in that room did not look at me at that very moment. Their eyes, not one blinking; quietly analyzing and calculating.
That image has been burned so deeply into my head, I could tell you every little detail of each child's face.
Chuck, in what seemed like an attempted to lighten the mood. The robot said, "Hugh Hugh Kids! Let's tell the man why he should try Chuck E.'s Favorite drink, by playing him a song!?"
"YEAH!" the kids shout in agreement.
The mechanical mouse monster raised the electric guitar that was bolted to his hands. Signaling to the others that he was going to play a song.
With all the slides and Tilt-A-Whirls
Chuck E. Cheese is fun for all boys and girls
But sometimes, some little children
don't want to be with the other boy and girls for play
That is what is happening today
This makes Chuck E. very sad you see
but that isn't how the I am going to end the day
We are going to end it with us smiling, I say
And You are going to be the game we play
I grabbed my coat, and tried to make it for the door. My heart beating out of my chest.
Quick, Chuck E. was to say, "Today's game is to get the Non-Believer!" The children's faces went from their previously blank expression, to a face that sent pure terror down my spine. The children didn't growl, show their teeth, or anything that a child would normally do as an attempt to scare someone. No these little boys and girls wore very slight smiles, and lowered their eyebrows. And the face was perfectly uniform among all of them. It was becoming obvious to me that they'd been trained for this. They didn't scream or shout at me. The children were dead silent. They knew exactly how they were going to handle me, and they didn't want to give their game any knowledge as to where they were.
Even with the crowd of kids chasing after me, with my adult legs I arrived at the door quickly. However, it was all for nothing because the damn door was locked. FUCK! I looked around me for another way that I could escape. But there. Still sitting in the booths were their parents. I grabbed the man closet to the door by the shoulders, and shouted at the father, "I NEED YOUR FUCKING HELP! RIGH-" The body was cold to the touch. I quickly pulled my hands off the corpse and it slumped out of the booth. A massive smile still on its face, eyes connecting with the ceiling. "WHAT THE FUCK?! THEY FUCKING POISONED THEM?!"
The more agile kids of the group, now mere feet away from me; were still in full sprint. A few tried to jump me, but I dodged them by leaping onto the table. Standing on the table, I kicked the other body sitting at the other side of the table, out of the booth. I leapt over the backrest, pushed another cadaver onto the ground.
I sprinted back into the arcade to find something that could be use as a weapon. I seriously wasn't going to give up just because they're a bunch of fucking kids!
I ran around for way too long, trying to find something to use as a weapon. Then I noticed the ski-ball machine at the side of the arcade, and how it just used some old glass to protect the wooden balls from theft. I stomped on the glass with the back of my heel, and broke it with one strike. I grabbed a couple of balls and took a pitcher's stance. Firmly grasping the first ball, I sent it careening toward one of the oncoming kids. I both saw and heard the wood ball plow in the boy's face, sending him to the ground. I then charged the other child and punched her in the face with the ski-ball in my fist. The blow crushed her jaw. Coating my weapon with blood with bits of flesh. "IT'S FUCKING GO TIME YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!"
As I checked to see if the two were down for good. Some fucking kid jumped on my back! His hands clawing at my face, trying to gouge out my eyes. I exclaimed, "THAT'S NO WAY TO HUG SOMEONE?! DIDN'T YOUR MOTHER TEACH YOU ANY MANORS?!" and grasped his hands, pulled his body, over my head, sending him onto the ground. While he landed somewhat on his feet, I then punched him in the face. "I THINK SOMEONES A LITTLE CRANKY AND NEEDS TO TAKE A NAP?!"
While it was satisfying to use the ski-ball, it was becoming clear that I needed a better weapon in order to take down all these kids.
So kicking, and punching at what ever got into my way. I made it deep into the arcade. There, I was able to find an old rusty pinball machine. Perfect. I flipped over the old table, (taking out a kid in the process) and ripped off one of its old rusted out legs.
"I AM THE PINBALL WIZARD!" I screamed, while taking my first swing at the hoard. The pipe, smashing into the chest of one of the kids causing him to double over.
"I RECOMMEND THE LEG WITH THIS SERVING OF PAIN!" for another. Destroying one of the kid's shoulders, sending him into the air like rag doll.
Finally, "YOU SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO WHAT YOUR HORSING COACH SAID!" with some confused by this one liner, so I clarified it with another swing, "WATCH OUT FOR THE LEGS!" with the metal connecting with several of their faces.
I then, pulled myself onto the top of one of the video game machines. I started looking around, trying to figure out some way that I could escape. But with dozens of Chuck E.'s minions surrounded the video game booth, and no other doors, I could do nothing. I would have to dispose of them all in order for me to live through the night. But then I heard Chuck E. screeching through his crappy speaker.
"YOU HAVEN'T TAKEN CARE OF HIM YET?! Boys and girls, I am very disappointed in you. All well, somethings just need to be taken care of by us grown ups."
Then the keyboard playing Dog picked up his instrument, held it like a submachine gun, and aimed it right at me. I leapt down and heard the bang of a gun echoing off the walls.
The kids were still depressed that they had disappointed their God, and took little interest in me. But even with this break in the action, I couldn't go anywhere for an escape.
There was only one way to stop this madness, and that was at the stage. Even though it was crazy, I ran back to the theater, to face Chuck E. and his Demon Pals.
Chapter 2
As the curtain was raised higher and higher; the cheers became louder and louder. With the horde of children producing the most noise they could possibly create, the stage lights were cued; revealing what they were chanting for.
They stood reverently to greet their King.
Screwed down to the wood floor of the stage. There was what looked like; a pile of bolts, some poorly-disguised circuit boards, and cheap, mismatched, fur from Jo-Ann Fabrics' after Halloween clearance. It's appearance, to put it kindly, was homely. But no matter, the kids were nothing but ecstatic.
The machine's eyes shot open with a sound of turning gears. His cheap joints began to flail about, like a boy on a coat hanger. More lights flooded the stage exposing his small army of robots. There was a rabbit in a blue vest, who was playing the trumpet; a dog in a flamboyant, bedazzled jacket, playing keyboard; the duck, in jeans, playing bass; and finally a turtle playing drums. With the light shining on their $200 bodies, they opened their eyes, craned their heads back and forth, and made what ever movements that they were capable of completing in order to "play" their instruments.
"Hugh Hugh, Boys and Girls! Have you been having fun at Chuck E. Cheese?!" their leader shouted, while moving a curved piece of metal, up and down. Not even close to matching actual lip movement.
A jubilant, "YES!" came from the sea of kids surrounding me.
"Great to hear that!" a collective, of huge smiles appeared on the each of the audience member's faces.
"But I am sad today, boy and girls," shock and terror swiped over the children, "there's one person among us who doesn't love my Favorite Drink! And he is sitting with us right now!" causing a spot light to be shined right on top of me.
I was utterly confused. My mind racing, trying to sort out if I was in some sort of danger. But before coming to an sort of conclusion; everyone was already turned around and looking at me. Not one boy or girl in that room did not look at me at that very moment. Their eyes, not one blinking; quietly analyzing and calculating.
That image has been burned so deeply into my head, I could tell you every little detail of each child's face.
Chuck, in what seemed like an attempted to lighten the mood. The robot said, "Hugh Hugh Kids! Let's tell the man why he should try Chuck E.'s Favorite drink, by playing him a song!?"
"YEAH!" the kids shout in agreement.
The mechanical mouse monster raised the electric guitar that was bolted to his hands. Signaling to the others that he was going to play a song.
With all the slides and Tilt-A-Whirls
Chuck E. Cheese is fun for all boys and girls
But sometimes, some little children
don't want to be with the other boy and girls for play
That is what is happening today
This makes Chuck E. very sad you see
but that isn't how the I am going to end the day
We are going to end it with us smiling, I say
And You are going to be the game we play
I grabbed my coat, and tried to make it for the door. My heart beating out of my chest.
Quick, Chuck E. was to say, "Today's game is to get the Non-Believer!" The children's faces went from their previously blank expression, to a face that sent pure terror down my spine. The children didn't growl, show their teeth, or anything that a child would normally do as an attempt to scare someone. No these little boys and girls wore very slight smiles, and lowered their eyebrows. And the face was perfectly uniform among all of them. It was becoming obvious to me that they'd been trained for this. They didn't scream or shout at me. The children were dead silent. They knew exactly how they were going to handle me, and they didn't want to give their game any knowledge as to where they were.
Even with the crowd of kids chasing after me, with my adult legs I arrived at the door quickly. However, it was all for nothing because the damn door was locked. FUCK! I looked around me for another way that I could escape. But there. Still sitting in the booths were their parents. I grabbed the man closet to the door by the shoulders, and shouted at the father, "I NEED YOUR FUCKING HELP! RIGH-" The body was cold to the touch. I quickly pulled my hands off the corpse and it slumped out of the booth. A massive smile still on its face, eyes connecting with the ceiling. "WHAT THE FUCK?! THEY FUCKING POISONED THEM?!"
The more agile kids of the group, now mere feet away from me; were still in full sprint. A few tried to jump me, but I dodged them by leaping onto the table. Standing on the table, I kicked the other body sitting at the other side of the table, out of the booth. I leapt over the backrest, pushed another cadaver onto the ground.
I sprinted back into the arcade to find something that could be use as a weapon. I seriously wasn't going to give up just because they're a bunch of fucking kids!
I ran around for way too long, trying to find something to use as a weapon. Then I noticed the ski-ball machine at the side of the arcade, and how it just used some old glass to protect the wooden balls from theft. I stomped on the glass with the back of my heel, and broke it with one strike. I grabbed a couple of balls and took a pitcher's stance. Firmly grasping the first ball, I sent it careening toward one of the oncoming kids. I both saw and heard the wood ball plow in the boy's face, sending him to the ground. I then charged the other child and punched her in the face with the ski-ball in my fist. The blow crushed her jaw. Coating my weapon with blood with bits of flesh. "IT'S FUCKING GO TIME YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!"
As I checked to see if the two were down for good. Some fucking kid jumped on my back! His hands clawing at my face, trying to gouge out my eyes. I exclaimed, "THAT'S NO WAY TO HUG SOMEONE?! DIDN'T YOUR MOTHER TEACH YOU ANY MANORS?!" and grasped his hands, pulled his body, over my head, sending him onto the ground. While he landed somewhat on his feet, I then punched him in the face. "I THINK SOMEONES A LITTLE CRANKY AND NEEDS TO TAKE A NAP?!"
While it was satisfying to use the ski-ball, it was becoming clear that I needed a better weapon in order to take down all these kids.
So kicking, and punching at what ever got into my way. I made it deep into the arcade. There, I was able to find an old rusty pinball machine. Perfect. I flipped over the old table, (taking out a kid in the process) and ripped off one of its old rusted out legs.
"I AM THE PINBALL WIZARD!" I screamed, while taking my first swing at the hoard. The pipe, smashing into the chest of one of the kids causing him to double over.
"I RECOMMEND THE LEG WITH THIS SERVING OF PAIN!" for another. Destroying one of the kid's shoulders, sending him into the air like rag doll.
Finally, "YOU SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO WHAT YOUR HORSING COACH SAID!" with some confused by this one liner, so I clarified it with another swing, "WATCH OUT FOR THE LEGS!" with the metal connecting with several of their faces.
I then, pulled myself onto the top of one of the video game machines. I started looking around, trying to figure out some way that I could escape. But with dozens of Chuck E.'s minions surrounded the video game booth, and no other doors, I could do nothing. I would have to dispose of them all in order for me to live through the night. But then I heard Chuck E. screeching through his crappy speaker.
"YOU HAVEN'T TAKEN CARE OF HIM YET?! Boys and girls, I am very disappointed in you. All well, somethings just need to be taken care of by us grown ups."
Then the keyboard playing Dog picked up his instrument, held it like a submachine gun, and aimed it right at me. I leapt down and heard the bang of a gun echoing off the walls.
The kids were still depressed that they had disappointed their God, and took little interest in me. But even with this break in the action, I couldn't go anywhere for an escape.
There was only one way to stop this madness, and that was at the stage. Even though it was crazy, I ran back to the theater, to face Chuck E. and his Demon Pals.
Chucky E. Cheese: Chapter One
To celebrate the holiday of Halloween, I have begun writing my R.L. Stine inspired short story. However, due to the length of this story, I am going to release it as a serial, two chapter, note. (I know, fucking epic right?) I hope to have the second half done by Halloween; so if you're really that bored, you can look forward to it. If you have any ideas, for how the second half should go, let me know in the comments. Also, think before you start to complain that this is boring! If anything, the second half is going to be totally mad, and in the spirit of Halloween, so don't worry. I just wanted to have it properly setup so it doesn't seem like pure craziness.
And, following in the footsteps of the classic, Texas Chainsaw Massacre series, this is:
Based on a True Story
My Night at Chuck E. Cheese
By Josh Yagley
I stumbled into the night, and out of the school. Thinking back to the exam I had just escaped from.
The test had gone horribly. It went so poorly, in fact, that I couldn't get any work down for a few problems. Knowing it was futile, I tried to figure out someway that I could have possibly passed it. Maybe if he gives partial credit it will work out... god dammit Professor! I am sure a couple problems weren't even covered in the homework!
When I finally got to my car at the end of the parking lot. I took my seat at the steering wheel, and I put the key into the ignition, and turned it. Nothing came from the car.
"GOD FUCKING DAMMIT WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON TODAY?!", I kicked the old car a couple times, not so much to try to get it to work, but more to let off a little anger. After I settled down, I pulled out my phone and called up information to get a tow truck. After getting a hold of the towing company, they told me that there was a big accident on the highway during rush hour. And their entire truck force was out there to clean it up. He then said that it was going to be a couple of hours before anyone would be available and said they would call me once someone was heading my way. I thanked him and said to try to get here as soon as possible.
Now I have to wait two hours?! This is just fucking great. God, my fucking luck has been amazing today?!
Trying to think of something to do, I remembered that there was a strip mall down the street. There must be some place to get something to eat there. So, I grabbing my jacket and cell phone, left the car, and started heading down the street.
It was cold; too cold for my thin jacket and the breeze cut right through it. But thankfully the strip mall was just as close as I remembered it.
Looking at the large building, I noticed that the only store that hadn't shut down, was the Chuck E. Cheese at the end on the structure. Every other store was long gone and had all of there lights off, some with plywood behind the window to avoid break ins. Damn the Michigan economy really does suck.
But back to the Chuck E. Cheese, the store had a bright yellow and red awning, with their mutated, furry, mascot staring right at me.
While it wasn't the most appealing place for me to hang out. But I thought to myself; I'm pretty cold, and have quite a bit of time to kill, so I might as well head in. Even though it was a little weird, how the mutant mouse's eyes seemed be looking right at me.
It was actually a little creepy; but I chalked it up to poor logo design.
When I first walked into the child controlled hell hole; I was immediately sent into an over stimulated shock from the blinding lights and screaming kids. I was forced to close my eyes so they could adjust to the sun-like, array of spot lights and arcade machines. When I first opened them, all I could see was a blur of kids yelling, shouting, and playing games that I didn't remember as a child.
Going back and forth on, if I was going to stay. I decided that while it was going to be a draining night; I was already; hungry, tired, and this was by far the closest thing to civilization I could get to in walking distance. So I went looking for a seat, so that I could get a drink, and possibly a pizza.
At the end of the aisle, I saw an empty booth. Thinking that it would be the least conspicuous. I started heading to the table. Passing booth, after booth, full of parents; I finally got to my spot, in the corner of the building.
As soon as I got to my position, a waitress showed up out of the blinding lights to take my order.
She was very pale, and the only other feature I can remember was her smile. Her smile, was bright and perky, but extended way past what could possible be comfortable. While young, I could tell that this constant smile was beginning to take it's toll on her. You could see stretch marks and wrinkles on her, no older than 25, face.
When she spoke, it was like hearing a commercial.
"WELCOME TO CHUCK E. CHEESE! WHERE EVEN YOU CAN BE A KID AGAIN! My name is Justine, and I'll be you waitress today. Is there anything I can start you off with?"
I looked at her blankly for a moment, still trying to block out all the screams of the kids behind her. Finally uttering out, "Uhh, okay, I'll just have a water. Thanks."
"Sorry sir, but we don't have that here", she delivered with her super sized smile.
Myself, now confused, looked into her blank, but still smiling face.
"You don't have water?"
"Not for customers. Chuck E. doesn't think it is fun enough."
I was now completely puzzled by this. Both from the fact that they didn't serve something that I thought by law any restaurant had to be able to give a customer when they asked for it; to the way that she referred to their mascot as her boss, even though I obviously wasn't a child.
"Well couldn't I just get some water from the kitchen faucet?" I retort.
"That sink is broken", breaking her smile for a split second, before correcting it.
"Fine," giving up on the obviously meaningless battle, "then what do you have"
"Mountain Dew, Pepsi, Root Beer, Dr. Pepper, and Chuck E.'s Favorite"
"What's Chuck E.'s Favorite?"
"It's a mix of Chuck E.'s favorite drinks; it's the house favorite, hence the name. And we have never met someone who didn't like it."
"All right, I was just curious. I'll have a Dr. Pepper."
"Are you sure you don't want to get Chuck E.'s Favorite?"
"Yeah, I'd enjoy a Dr. Pepper, it's fine."
"All right, I'll get that right out for you."
The waitress disappeared into blinding lights from whence she came.
I was left at my booth, by myself, with little to do, besides; look at the wall, and listen to the constant, high pitched, shrieks of children, behind me, due to my seating position.
With my spare time, I started to examine the table I was sitting at. It was bright yellow, with cute, dark, circles drawn on it, to give it the appearance of holes. As to match it, the booth's seats, which were designed in a similar way. One thing that surprised me though about the booth, was how good of shape it was in. Considering that this was a children's place for amusement, everything was in apsoloute perfect shape. No holes in the fabric and no drawing on the table.
I then, felt under the table expecting a coating of used bubble gum on the surface, but it was perfectly clean. Thinking that this was odd, I continued to feel around, still nothing. But then I felt something in the middle of the table, a change in the surface. From the cheap, rough wood surrounding it, this surface had a smooth finish and I couldn't feel the grain anymore.
Thinking that this was odd, and with nothing better to do. I tucked my head under the table. The first thing that caught my eye was that, just as suspected, there was no gum anywhere on the bottom of the table. Then, shifting my eyes to the center of the wood, there was a section that had been sanded down, fairly recently too. There was still some wood dust from the sand paper. Wiping off the dust, I realized that there was something etched deep into the wood. I could barely read it, but blowing the dust off made the message quite clear. "HELP ME"
"Mister?"
I slammed my head on the table trying to raise it.
"Are you okay?" she said, without a smile.
"Yeah, I'm fine..."
"Okay great!" her smile now back, "Here is your Dr. Pepper."
"Thanks", taking the cold beverage and feeling for a bump on my head.
"Do you know what you want to eat?"
While she never gave me a menu, I guessed that because Chuck E. Cheese is well known for their crappy pizza. That it was the only thing on the menu.
"I'll have a small pizza, thanks."
"Anything on it?"
"Just ham."
"All right, I will get that right out for you. Also, Chuck E. and his Animal Pals will be preforming a show any minute now. If you want to move to one of the theater tables, I can bring out your pizza to you there."
I thought to myself; I frankly, have nothing better to do. So I accepted her offer.
She left, and I went into the bright lights and found, the "Cheesiest Theater" at the other side of the arcade. I quickly found a table, laid my jacket on the chair, and took my seat.
As I was sitting down at the table staring at the curtain, my mind wondered back to what the vandal wrote. Why would a kid write that? I would think that he would understand that was in bad taste to write something like that. Then, I thought back to my days as a child, riding on the bus to school. I remembered some days when the windows were fogged up, some of the more rebellious of the kids would write, "Help Me!" on the window. Which would be backwards to anyone looking at it from out side the bus. Maybe the vandal was just some teenager, with a new knife. I guess some people just never grow up.
Deciding that this was the most likely of situations. I glanced at the clock above the curtain. Nearly 6:00, the show should start any minute now.
Then, just as predicted, the clock started it's toll. As it did, Chuck E. Cheese went dead silent. Then on the second chime; the sound of hundreds of tiny feet began stampeding to the stage. On the third; the oldest of the kids got to the bottom of the curtain, and started waiting. The forth; the younger of the children quickly took the seating at the tables around me, so that they could see the stage. On the fifth toll; the room was totally silent again, and nobody moved. On the final, sixth chime; the curtain ascended and the the crowd erupted into cheers and shouts, that slammed on my ear drum.
"We love you Chuck E.!"
"Play us a song!"
"Pick me, pick me!"
These chants could be heard all around me. My brain screamed that something was wrong here; there was no way that this was right. But I stayed. I don't know why, but I stayed.
And, following in the footsteps of the classic, Texas Chainsaw Massacre series, this is:
Based on a True Story
My Night at Chuck E. Cheese
By Josh Yagley
I stumbled into the night, and out of the school. Thinking back to the exam I had just escaped from.
The test had gone horribly. It went so poorly, in fact, that I couldn't get any work down for a few problems. Knowing it was futile, I tried to figure out someway that I could have possibly passed it. Maybe if he gives partial credit it will work out... god dammit Professor! I am sure a couple problems weren't even covered in the homework!
When I finally got to my car at the end of the parking lot. I took my seat at the steering wheel, and I put the key into the ignition, and turned it. Nothing came from the car.
"GOD FUCKING DAMMIT WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON TODAY?!", I kicked the old car a couple times, not so much to try to get it to work, but more to let off a little anger. After I settled down, I pulled out my phone and called up information to get a tow truck. After getting a hold of the towing company, they told me that there was a big accident on the highway during rush hour. And their entire truck force was out there to clean it up. He then said that it was going to be a couple of hours before anyone would be available and said they would call me once someone was heading my way. I thanked him and said to try to get here as soon as possible.
Now I have to wait two hours?! This is just fucking great. God, my fucking luck has been amazing today?!
Trying to think of something to do, I remembered that there was a strip mall down the street. There must be some place to get something to eat there. So, I grabbing my jacket and cell phone, left the car, and started heading down the street.
It was cold; too cold for my thin jacket and the breeze cut right through it. But thankfully the strip mall was just as close as I remembered it.
Looking at the large building, I noticed that the only store that hadn't shut down, was the Chuck E. Cheese at the end on the structure. Every other store was long gone and had all of there lights off, some with plywood behind the window to avoid break ins. Damn the Michigan economy really does suck.
But back to the Chuck E. Cheese, the store had a bright yellow and red awning, with their mutated, furry, mascot staring right at me.
While it wasn't the most appealing place for me to hang out. But I thought to myself; I'm pretty cold, and have quite a bit of time to kill, so I might as well head in. Even though it was a little weird, how the mutant mouse's eyes seemed be looking right at me.
It was actually a little creepy; but I chalked it up to poor logo design.
When I first walked into the child controlled hell hole; I was immediately sent into an over stimulated shock from the blinding lights and screaming kids. I was forced to close my eyes so they could adjust to the sun-like, array of spot lights and arcade machines. When I first opened them, all I could see was a blur of kids yelling, shouting, and playing games that I didn't remember as a child.
Going back and forth on, if I was going to stay. I decided that while it was going to be a draining night; I was already; hungry, tired, and this was by far the closest thing to civilization I could get to in walking distance. So I went looking for a seat, so that I could get a drink, and possibly a pizza.
At the end of the aisle, I saw an empty booth. Thinking that it would be the least conspicuous. I started heading to the table. Passing booth, after booth, full of parents; I finally got to my spot, in the corner of the building.
As soon as I got to my position, a waitress showed up out of the blinding lights to take my order.
She was very pale, and the only other feature I can remember was her smile. Her smile, was bright and perky, but extended way past what could possible be comfortable. While young, I could tell that this constant smile was beginning to take it's toll on her. You could see stretch marks and wrinkles on her, no older than 25, face.
When she spoke, it was like hearing a commercial.
"WELCOME TO CHUCK E. CHEESE! WHERE EVEN YOU CAN BE A KID AGAIN! My name is Justine, and I'll be you waitress today. Is there anything I can start you off with?"
I looked at her blankly for a moment, still trying to block out all the screams of the kids behind her. Finally uttering out, "Uhh, okay, I'll just have a water. Thanks."
"Sorry sir, but we don't have that here", she delivered with her super sized smile.
Myself, now confused, looked into her blank, but still smiling face.
"You don't have water?"
"Not for customers. Chuck E. doesn't think it is fun enough."
I was now completely puzzled by this. Both from the fact that they didn't serve something that I thought by law any restaurant had to be able to give a customer when they asked for it; to the way that she referred to their mascot as her boss, even though I obviously wasn't a child.
"Well couldn't I just get some water from the kitchen faucet?" I retort.
"That sink is broken", breaking her smile for a split second, before correcting it.
"Fine," giving up on the obviously meaningless battle, "then what do you have"
"Mountain Dew, Pepsi, Root Beer, Dr. Pepper, and Chuck E.'s Favorite"
"What's Chuck E.'s Favorite?"
"It's a mix of Chuck E.'s favorite drinks; it's the house favorite, hence the name. And we have never met someone who didn't like it."
"All right, I was just curious. I'll have a Dr. Pepper."
"Are you sure you don't want to get Chuck E.'s Favorite?"
"Yeah, I'd enjoy a Dr. Pepper, it's fine."
"All right, I'll get that right out for you."
The waitress disappeared into blinding lights from whence she came.
I was left at my booth, by myself, with little to do, besides; look at the wall, and listen to the constant, high pitched, shrieks of children, behind me, due to my seating position.
With my spare time, I started to examine the table I was sitting at. It was bright yellow, with cute, dark, circles drawn on it, to give it the appearance of holes. As to match it, the booth's seats, which were designed in a similar way. One thing that surprised me though about the booth, was how good of shape it was in. Considering that this was a children's place for amusement, everything was in apsoloute perfect shape. No holes in the fabric and no drawing on the table.
I then, felt under the table expecting a coating of used bubble gum on the surface, but it was perfectly clean. Thinking that this was odd, I continued to feel around, still nothing. But then I felt something in the middle of the table, a change in the surface. From the cheap, rough wood surrounding it, this surface had a smooth finish and I couldn't feel the grain anymore.
Thinking that this was odd, and with nothing better to do. I tucked my head under the table. The first thing that caught my eye was that, just as suspected, there was no gum anywhere on the bottom of the table. Then, shifting my eyes to the center of the wood, there was a section that had been sanded down, fairly recently too. There was still some wood dust from the sand paper. Wiping off the dust, I realized that there was something etched deep into the wood. I could barely read it, but blowing the dust off made the message quite clear. "HELP ME"
"Mister?"
I slammed my head on the table trying to raise it.
"Are you okay?" she said, without a smile.
"Yeah, I'm fine..."
"Okay great!" her smile now back, "Here is your Dr. Pepper."
"Thanks", taking the cold beverage and feeling for a bump on my head.
"Do you know what you want to eat?"
While she never gave me a menu, I guessed that because Chuck E. Cheese is well known for their crappy pizza. That it was the only thing on the menu.
"I'll have a small pizza, thanks."
"Anything on it?"
"Just ham."
"All right, I will get that right out for you. Also, Chuck E. and his Animal Pals will be preforming a show any minute now. If you want to move to one of the theater tables, I can bring out your pizza to you there."
I thought to myself; I frankly, have nothing better to do. So I accepted her offer.
She left, and I went into the bright lights and found, the "Cheesiest Theater" at the other side of the arcade. I quickly found a table, laid my jacket on the chair, and took my seat.
As I was sitting down at the table staring at the curtain, my mind wondered back to what the vandal wrote. Why would a kid write that? I would think that he would understand that was in bad taste to write something like that. Then, I thought back to my days as a child, riding on the bus to school. I remembered some days when the windows were fogged up, some of the more rebellious of the kids would write, "Help Me!" on the window. Which would be backwards to anyone looking at it from out side the bus. Maybe the vandal was just some teenager, with a new knife. I guess some people just never grow up.
Deciding that this was the most likely of situations. I glanced at the clock above the curtain. Nearly 6:00, the show should start any minute now.
Then, just as predicted, the clock started it's toll. As it did, Chuck E. Cheese went dead silent. Then on the second chime; the sound of hundreds of tiny feet began stampeding to the stage. On the third; the oldest of the kids got to the bottom of the curtain, and started waiting. The forth; the younger of the children quickly took the seating at the tables around me, so that they could see the stage. On the fifth toll; the room was totally silent again, and nobody moved. On the final, sixth chime; the curtain ascended and the the crowd erupted into cheers and shouts, that slammed on my ear drum.
"We love you Chuck E.!"
"Play us a song!"
"Pick me, pick me!"
These chants could be heard all around me. My brain screamed that something was wrong here; there was no way that this was right. But I stayed. I don't know why, but I stayed.
Buy Mack's Earplugs
I was looking at new apps for my iPhone this morning and saw that there was Decibel Reader available for my phone. Seeing this, I thought to myself; with going to shows a lot, and me, still, unsure if the sound level I use to listen to music was dangerous for my ears; I should probably get this. So I bought the app and went about reading Db output for everything from my car stereo to my voice.
While this was really nifty, after looking online, I found that the sound levels for my car were somewhat high, and could be hazardous to my long term earing. So I turned down my stereo, and started to be more careful about how loud the music was. And another thing I realized from the numbers, was how crazy loud the shows I go to, really were. So back to the Internet; there, I found this great site explaining concert earplugs and how the different styles effect the Db level at differing sound frequencies.
With me informed, I had finally found a style of earplugs that would evenly “turn down” the sound level at all frequencies, without spending a lot of money on a custom fitted earplug. I went looking to see if I could possibly find them in a local store, so I didn't have to wait for them to come in. They didn't need to be perfect, but I still would like to have my hearing at 40! So just by chance, I wondered what stores I would get if I simply searched for “Earplugs”. To my great surprise, I found three stores locally! To make it even better, a couple were just a little bit out on my way when I go to school!
So I called the first shop, and I got the voice mail. It told me that if you were a commercial buyer contact so and so, and if you were an average costumer, use their online store. So I moved onto the next one.
The second and third, were both Mack's Earplugs locations. When I called the closer of the two locations, I got an actual person. I asked the woman if they sold musician's earplugs, she said yes! She then went on about how great the earplugs are, and how they have patents on the technology, blah blah blah. But I was so happy! To think I will have finally have my earplugs! Then I asked what the earplugs are graded at. She said that she didn't know but if I was curious about more information about the earplugs you can visit the website. I said thanks and hung up.
I went to their site, and the earplugs were exactly what I need. And just like that, I was off to Royal Oak to pick up my new earplugs!
I am now just a mile away from the store but it seems to be behind this very nice subdivision. Beautiful and huge houses on both sides of me, with neatly groomed lawns. Knowing the area, these houses must have been at least $500 grand each, even in this market. While I thought this was weird, I knew that some neighborhoods have corner shops very close to them, maybe this was just like that, but with an earplug shop...
Now I am on the road the shop is on, houses still on both sides of me. I look at the address and each of the houses numbers. I passed it. I went around again. I passed it again! So after I had already properly scared the neighbors into thinking that I am a stalker or something, I found my address.
I pulled into the large, rectangular, white house. I checked the address again, even though I had been looking at it for the past 5 minutes. Yup this is it. I parked the car on the concrete drive way and ponder if I will knock on the door or not. Before I can decide, two girls look through the glass exterior door and start staring right at me. I decided that if I have come this far, I might as well see if they run the small business from their house or something. So I lower head and opened the door. The girls run away, and I start one of the longest 15 foot walks I have ever taken. By the time I actually got to the door, the girls' mother was already there.
I said, “I am very sorry but is this Mack's Earplugs? My GPS has lead me here.” “Oh, yes! My husband runs Mack's Earplugs!” she says somewhat relieved but still very confused.
I took a breath of relief, but I was still unsure what was going on. She left, and said that she would call up her husband. She let me into the house and goes to fetch the phone. Her kids are still by the door, I am sure they were wondering who this strange man was.
She finally gets the phone. She is so nervous that she accidentally hits the wrong speed dial number and calls one of her friends. She apologizes, and calls her husband. She finally gets a hold of her husband, the CEO of McKeon Products and Mack's Earplugs. While I couldn't hear her, I am would guess she basically told him that there is a strange college student aged boy, at the house, looking for earplugs. And now the entire company of Mack's Earplugs is at Defcon 1, I am sure with non ear-damaging sirens.
She listens to what he says and shouts at me, “What type of earplugs do you want?” I respond saying that I am looking for the High fidelity ones. She then runs downstairs to the basement. Kids still with me, I think to myself, at least she doesn't view me as any sort of threat. She comes back up with sleeping earplugs. I take them, look at them, and I look at her. She says that she personally uses these type of plugs when sleeping and tells me that I can buy these at any CVS Pharmacy. At this point, while I am impressed by this company's One on One advertising, I told her that these are sadly not exactly what I am looking for. I reworded myself and asked if she has Musician's earplugs. She nods, takes the plugs and runs back to the basement.
Then, out of nowhere, a girl starts telling the other that the bus is just outside. At this point I realize that there are streamers all around the house and Happy Birthday is written everywhere. A kid, not knowing which one, is trying to celebrate being another year older and an odd man is ruining their time. My mind races, there are more kids are getting off the bus, looking to party and they will find no one but a strange man standing by the door with their mother gone...
Thank God, that their mother came up the steps before they got to the door.
She hands me a second type of earplug, also not what I needed. I again, apologize, now feeling bad for turning down these earplugs, but I was looking for something specific. I asked if she has the High Fidelity earplugs, while explaining the technical differences between the plugs. She sits the kids down at the table and cuts them all apples. (Wow, now that is a healthy family!) With the phone still glued to her head, she heads down to the basement for the third time. She is quick to come back and tells the person on the other line, that she doesn't have the earplugs here, she then repeats herself to tell me this. She then tells me that they can ship the Musician's earplugs, free of charge. She tells me that her husband has the firm belief that if anyone has went to such trouble to get earplugs they would be happy to just give them a pair. I think to myself how that is such an odd business strategy, but take them up on the offer. She begins to ask me for an address, corrects herself, hands me the phone, and goes to take care of the kids.
The other person on the line is the exact same person I talked to when I first called! I stutter, and said, “Didn't I call you earlier” she says yes, and that they are going to send me a free pair of earplugs for the hassle I have gone through. (I love these guys!) I start thinking about what is going on though, and ask if I could possibly just pick up the earplugs on site, thinking that the other location on Google is the shop. She said, “Absolutely! But don't you need directions?” I proudly respond, “I don't need directions, I have the iPhone!”, at this point, Steve Jobs jumped through the window, hugs me and gets back on his million dollar helicopter; and continues his mission of hugging people who pimp out his products. (Alright, I, obviously, made that up but this has still been a very odd day) And after I got back from my fantasy, she said that would be fine and that she looked forward to seeing me.
I gave the phone back to the woman, and told her that it is all set and thanked her for everything. She tells me that it is fine, and again, explains how giving me the earplugs is part of the Bigger Plan. I thank her one last time and finally leave the house.
I get in the car and sit there, for a minute, replaying the last 15 minutes over and over again, trying to figure exactly what just fucking happened! I eventually pick up my phone to get me to the other Mack's Earplug location.
Now I am in the manufacturing district of Warren. And while I am really digging the change of themes here, I guess the other location on Google was their office building. I, again, for the second time today, pulled into a building that has nothing labeling it as to what it was, just an address that my phone told me was right.
I cautiously walk into the office building but was quickly greeted by an older secretary. I think to myself that at least I can be right for once today! “Josh! You must be Josh right?” I respond, confirming for her. She grabs the earplugs on her desk, handing them to me, saying these are mine. I take the High Fidelity, Musician's earplugs. I look at them, and I am so happy that they are exactly what I needed. She then asked me what happened. I tell her the whole story about how I was just looking for earplugs and searched on Google and got these two locations for Mack's Earplugs. She listened attentively and when I finished she said that they would need to fix that obviously. I agreed and thanked them one more time. I left with free earplugs and a smile, telling them that I would tell everyone to buy Mack's Earplugs, available at your local CVS Pharmacy.
While this was really nifty, after looking online, I found that the sound levels for my car were somewhat high, and could be hazardous to my long term earing. So I turned down my stereo, and started to be more careful about how loud the music was. And another thing I realized from the numbers, was how crazy loud the shows I go to, really were. So back to the Internet; there, I found this great site explaining concert earplugs and how the different styles effect the Db level at differing sound frequencies.
With me informed, I had finally found a style of earplugs that would evenly “turn down” the sound level at all frequencies, without spending a lot of money on a custom fitted earplug. I went looking to see if I could possibly find them in a local store, so I didn't have to wait for them to come in. They didn't need to be perfect, but I still would like to have my hearing at 40! So just by chance, I wondered what stores I would get if I simply searched for “Earplugs”. To my great surprise, I found three stores locally! To make it even better, a couple were just a little bit out on my way when I go to school!
So I called the first shop, and I got the voice mail. It told me that if you were a commercial buyer contact so and so, and if you were an average costumer, use their online store. So I moved onto the next one.
The second and third, were both Mack's Earplugs locations. When I called the closer of the two locations, I got an actual person. I asked the woman if they sold musician's earplugs, she said yes! She then went on about how great the earplugs are, and how they have patents on the technology, blah blah blah. But I was so happy! To think I will have finally have my earplugs! Then I asked what the earplugs are graded at. She said that she didn't know but if I was curious about more information about the earplugs you can visit the website. I said thanks and hung up.
I went to their site, and the earplugs were exactly what I need. And just like that, I was off to Royal Oak to pick up my new earplugs!
I am now just a mile away from the store but it seems to be behind this very nice subdivision. Beautiful and huge houses on both sides of me, with neatly groomed lawns. Knowing the area, these houses must have been at least $500 grand each, even in this market. While I thought this was weird, I knew that some neighborhoods have corner shops very close to them, maybe this was just like that, but with an earplug shop...
Now I am on the road the shop is on, houses still on both sides of me. I look at the address and each of the houses numbers. I passed it. I went around again. I passed it again! So after I had already properly scared the neighbors into thinking that I am a stalker or something, I found my address.
I pulled into the large, rectangular, white house. I checked the address again, even though I had been looking at it for the past 5 minutes. Yup this is it. I parked the car on the concrete drive way and ponder if I will knock on the door or not. Before I can decide, two girls look through the glass exterior door and start staring right at me. I decided that if I have come this far, I might as well see if they run the small business from their house or something. So I lower head and opened the door. The girls run away, and I start one of the longest 15 foot walks I have ever taken. By the time I actually got to the door, the girls' mother was already there.
I said, “I am very sorry but is this Mack's Earplugs? My GPS has lead me here.” “Oh, yes! My husband runs Mack's Earplugs!” she says somewhat relieved but still very confused.
I took a breath of relief, but I was still unsure what was going on. She left, and said that she would call up her husband. She let me into the house and goes to fetch the phone. Her kids are still by the door, I am sure they were wondering who this strange man was.
She finally gets the phone. She is so nervous that she accidentally hits the wrong speed dial number and calls one of her friends. She apologizes, and calls her husband. She finally gets a hold of her husband, the CEO of McKeon Products and Mack's Earplugs. While I couldn't hear her, I am would guess she basically told him that there is a strange college student aged boy, at the house, looking for earplugs. And now the entire company of Mack's Earplugs is at Defcon 1, I am sure with non ear-damaging sirens.
She listens to what he says and shouts at me, “What type of earplugs do you want?” I respond saying that I am looking for the High fidelity ones. She then runs downstairs to the basement. Kids still with me, I think to myself, at least she doesn't view me as any sort of threat. She comes back up with sleeping earplugs. I take them, look at them, and I look at her. She says that she personally uses these type of plugs when sleeping and tells me that I can buy these at any CVS Pharmacy. At this point, while I am impressed by this company's One on One advertising, I told her that these are sadly not exactly what I am looking for. I reworded myself and asked if she has Musician's earplugs. She nods, takes the plugs and runs back to the basement.
Then, out of nowhere, a girl starts telling the other that the bus is just outside. At this point I realize that there are streamers all around the house and Happy Birthday is written everywhere. A kid, not knowing which one, is trying to celebrate being another year older and an odd man is ruining their time. My mind races, there are more kids are getting off the bus, looking to party and they will find no one but a strange man standing by the door with their mother gone...
Thank God, that their mother came up the steps before they got to the door.
She hands me a second type of earplug, also not what I needed. I again, apologize, now feeling bad for turning down these earplugs, but I was looking for something specific. I asked if she has the High Fidelity earplugs, while explaining the technical differences between the plugs. She sits the kids down at the table and cuts them all apples. (Wow, now that is a healthy family!) With the phone still glued to her head, she heads down to the basement for the third time. She is quick to come back and tells the person on the other line, that she doesn't have the earplugs here, she then repeats herself to tell me this. She then tells me that they can ship the Musician's earplugs, free of charge. She tells me that her husband has the firm belief that if anyone has went to such trouble to get earplugs they would be happy to just give them a pair. I think to myself how that is such an odd business strategy, but take them up on the offer. She begins to ask me for an address, corrects herself, hands me the phone, and goes to take care of the kids.
The other person on the line is the exact same person I talked to when I first called! I stutter, and said, “Didn't I call you earlier” she says yes, and that they are going to send me a free pair of earplugs for the hassle I have gone through. (I love these guys!) I start thinking about what is going on though, and ask if I could possibly just pick up the earplugs on site, thinking that the other location on Google is the shop. She said, “Absolutely! But don't you need directions?” I proudly respond, “I don't need directions, I have the iPhone!”, at this point, Steve Jobs jumped through the window, hugs me and gets back on his million dollar helicopter; and continues his mission of hugging people who pimp out his products. (Alright, I, obviously, made that up but this has still been a very odd day) And after I got back from my fantasy, she said that would be fine and that she looked forward to seeing me.
I gave the phone back to the woman, and told her that it is all set and thanked her for everything. She tells me that it is fine, and again, explains how giving me the earplugs is part of the Bigger Plan. I thank her one last time and finally leave the house.
I get in the car and sit there, for a minute, replaying the last 15 minutes over and over again, trying to figure exactly what just fucking happened! I eventually pick up my phone to get me to the other Mack's Earplug location.
Now I am in the manufacturing district of Warren. And while I am really digging the change of themes here, I guess the other location on Google was their office building. I, again, for the second time today, pulled into a building that has nothing labeling it as to what it was, just an address that my phone told me was right.
I cautiously walk into the office building but was quickly greeted by an older secretary. I think to myself that at least I can be right for once today! “Josh! You must be Josh right?” I respond, confirming for her. She grabs the earplugs on her desk, handing them to me, saying these are mine. I take the High Fidelity, Musician's earplugs. I look at them, and I am so happy that they are exactly what I needed. She then asked me what happened. I tell her the whole story about how I was just looking for earplugs and searched on Google and got these two locations for Mack's Earplugs. She listened attentively and when I finished she said that they would need to fix that obviously. I agreed and thanked them one more time. I left with free earplugs and a smile, telling them that I would tell everyone to buy Mack's Earplugs, available at your local CVS Pharmacy.
Why I am voting for Vladimir Putin on November forth
By Josh Yagley and Jack Porter
Most are going to walk into the voting booth on November fourth and see only two names on the ballot. I, however, will see a third; I will see the great man, Vladimir Putin.
While the Mainstream Media has ignored this giant as much as possible (Only once "Person of the Year," Time? I was Person of the Year once!) Vladimir Putin has taken the nation of Russia, which many thought was past its prime, turned it around, and brought back that sweet Iron Curtain. And all the while, he has been there to kick the asses of any who dared challenge him.
"Hey America, we're onto you, you motherfucker!"
"Hey Poland, if you're going to suck America's dick, how about you suck on this missile?!"
"What the fuck was that look you just gave me, Georgia?!"
Although Putin has only been on the national scene for the past eight years, Vlad has always been a total fucking badass. Scientists agree, his is most likely the reincarnation of Theodore Roosevelt.
As a child, his two brothers died after he pulled out their hearts and ate them to gain their courage. While his parents were saddened by this, they agreed this was totally fucking badass.
Putin, with the bravery of three men, joined the KGB in his twenties. While granted, little is known about the KGB or what he did there. The best way to describe it is: Russia's CIA, but AWESOME! So awesome in fact, that I am sure if anyone is breeding dragons right now, it would be the KGB.
In 1996, Vladimir Putin was elected as mayor of Saint Petersburg. By 1997 Putin had amassed enough power to take over the entire country of Russia. Boris Yeltsin, the former President of Russia, was put into a very tough position. He had to appease Vladimir: Slayer of Dragons or lose his power to this God on Earth. Vladimir was given the title of Chief of the Presidential Staff, then was soon promoted to Chief of the Main Control Direction of the Presidential Property Management Department AKA You Seriously Better Not Fuck With Me. But soon, Putin got tired of this and set his sites on the crown.
While very few knew of Vladimir Putin before the 2000 election, a few exhibitions of him wresting a Polar Bear got his name out there quick. He was elected President of Russia in 2000, and historians agree this totally fucking ruled.
Once elected, he was given the problem of handling the Second Chechen Civil War. Thankfully for them, once he was elected, most of the Chechens realized that they couldn't fight this Goliath and gave up. His second coarse of action was to fix Russia's failing economy, which he did by swiftly kicking it in the nuts and told it to stop being a fucking baby. Russia boomed and started to sell weapons to anyone that wanted them, except America. Seriously, fuck them.
After turning Russia around and restored it to its former rank as a world super power. He then proceeded to try to get back at America for all those years of fucking with Russia. "Oh really Iraq has nukes? Well guess what? Fuck you! I would rather play Tetris than fucking help you."
Four years later he was then up for re-election. Putin, after saving the economy, reuniting the country, foreseeing and avoiding a failing war with Iraq, and partaking in his usual bear wrestling, easily won with 71% of the vote.
In his second term, he continued being awesome and Russia continued booming. As his second term was ending, for some idiotic reason, he had to deal with a little rebellion from an annoying Chess Champion.
Garry Kasparov, after thinking he was the total shit for beating some fucking robot, he thought he could be as sweet as Putin: Controller of Dreams, and ran for President of Russia. Putin then took that fucking pansy and locked him up for being an idiot. (Why doesn't Bush do this with Obama, we'll never know) Putin then said, "This guy Dmitry Medvedev, is half as sweet as me. So you should elect him", Dmitry then won in a landslide.
While most would have called it quits after that, Vladimir became Russia's Prime Minister. As Prime Minister, he somehow became even more awesome.
As Prime Minister of Russia, the country finally went into war with those pansy, Georgians. After years of them bitching about land. Putin was finally fed up with their bullshit, and invaded their ass and told them, "Guess who's fucking land this is now?!" But they wanted to drag out the futile battle, the poor fools.
Putin also did this while on his usual trip to Siberia. Except this time was different. While he and his buddies were all having fun and betting how many bears Putin can take on at once, a tiger showed up out of nowhere! Many of the men worried for the tiger's life when it attacked Putin, but he knew how to handle the situation. Thankfully for the tiger, Putin simply held the tiger's mouth shut and told it to "Fucking relax!" When the cat didn't, he said, "well if you won't be nice in front of my guests, I think someone is ready for nap time," and tranquilized the confused beast.
Georgia, upon hearing about how he handled the tiger, collectively crapped their pants and gave the land to Putin.
After the conflict in Georgia, Putin started teaching judo, which he learned in the KGB. He released a DVD series called, "Bear Hands: Judo Lessons from Vladimir Putin" and it became an instant international sensation.
Even more impressive is the thought that this is really just the beginning of The Man, Putin. Merely the first chapter of his book, his Odyssey. He is a God of Man, A Man of Myth, and the Myth of a Legend. Putin is bigger than Jesus. He is The Dragon Slayer.
That is why I am voting for him on November fourth. Besides, he is going to try to take over the world anyways.
Most are going to walk into the voting booth on November fourth and see only two names on the ballot. I, however, will see a third; I will see the great man, Vladimir Putin.
While the Mainstream Media has ignored this giant as much as possible (Only once "Person of the Year," Time? I was Person of the Year once!) Vladimir Putin has taken the nation of Russia, which many thought was past its prime, turned it around, and brought back that sweet Iron Curtain. And all the while, he has been there to kick the asses of any who dared challenge him.
"Hey America, we're onto you, you motherfucker!"
"Hey Poland, if you're going to suck America's dick, how about you suck on this missile?!"
"What the fuck was that look you just gave me, Georgia?!"
Although Putin has only been on the national scene for the past eight years, Vlad has always been a total fucking badass. Scientists agree, his is most likely the reincarnation of Theodore Roosevelt.
As a child, his two brothers died after he pulled out their hearts and ate them to gain their courage. While his parents were saddened by this, they agreed this was totally fucking badass.
Putin, with the bravery of three men, joined the KGB in his twenties. While granted, little is known about the KGB or what he did there. The best way to describe it is: Russia's CIA, but AWESOME! So awesome in fact, that I am sure if anyone is breeding dragons right now, it would be the KGB.
In 1996, Vladimir Putin was elected as mayor of Saint Petersburg. By 1997 Putin had amassed enough power to take over the entire country of Russia. Boris Yeltsin, the former President of Russia, was put into a very tough position. He had to appease Vladimir: Slayer of Dragons or lose his power to this God on Earth. Vladimir was given the title of Chief of the Presidential Staff, then was soon promoted to Chief of the Main Control Direction of the Presidential Property Management Department AKA You Seriously Better Not Fuck With Me. But soon, Putin got tired of this and set his sites on the crown.
While very few knew of Vladimir Putin before the 2000 election, a few exhibitions of him wresting a Polar Bear got his name out there quick. He was elected President of Russia in 2000, and historians agree this totally fucking ruled.
Once elected, he was given the problem of handling the Second Chechen Civil War. Thankfully for them, once he was elected, most of the Chechens realized that they couldn't fight this Goliath and gave up. His second coarse of action was to fix Russia's failing economy, which he did by swiftly kicking it in the nuts and told it to stop being a fucking baby. Russia boomed and started to sell weapons to anyone that wanted them, except America. Seriously, fuck them.
After turning Russia around and restored it to its former rank as a world super power. He then proceeded to try to get back at America for all those years of fucking with Russia. "Oh really Iraq has nukes? Well guess what? Fuck you! I would rather play Tetris than fucking help you."
Four years later he was then up for re-election. Putin, after saving the economy, reuniting the country, foreseeing and avoiding a failing war with Iraq, and partaking in his usual bear wrestling, easily won with 71% of the vote.
In his second term, he continued being awesome and Russia continued booming. As his second term was ending, for some idiotic reason, he had to deal with a little rebellion from an annoying Chess Champion.
Garry Kasparov, after thinking he was the total shit for beating some fucking robot, he thought he could be as sweet as Putin: Controller of Dreams, and ran for President of Russia. Putin then took that fucking pansy and locked him up for being an idiot. (Why doesn't Bush do this with Obama, we'll never know) Putin then said, "This guy Dmitry Medvedev, is half as sweet as me. So you should elect him", Dmitry then won in a landslide.
While most would have called it quits after that, Vladimir became Russia's Prime Minister. As Prime Minister, he somehow became even more awesome.
As Prime Minister of Russia, the country finally went into war with those pansy, Georgians. After years of them bitching about land. Putin was finally fed up with their bullshit, and invaded their ass and told them, "Guess who's fucking land this is now?!" But they wanted to drag out the futile battle, the poor fools.
Putin also did this while on his usual trip to Siberia. Except this time was different. While he and his buddies were all having fun and betting how many bears Putin can take on at once, a tiger showed up out of nowhere! Many of the men worried for the tiger's life when it attacked Putin, but he knew how to handle the situation. Thankfully for the tiger, Putin simply held the tiger's mouth shut and told it to "Fucking relax!" When the cat didn't, he said, "well if you won't be nice in front of my guests, I think someone is ready for nap time," and tranquilized the confused beast.
Georgia, upon hearing about how he handled the tiger, collectively crapped their pants and gave the land to Putin.
After the conflict in Georgia, Putin started teaching judo, which he learned in the KGB. He released a DVD series called, "Bear Hands: Judo Lessons from Vladimir Putin" and it became an instant international sensation.
Even more impressive is the thought that this is really just the beginning of The Man, Putin. Merely the first chapter of his book, his Odyssey. He is a God of Man, A Man of Myth, and the Myth of a Legend. Putin is bigger than Jesus. He is The Dragon Slayer.
That is why I am voting for him on November fourth. Besides, he is going to try to take over the world anyways.
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