Why I am voting for Vladimir Putin on November forth

By Josh Yagley and Jack Porter

Most are going to walk into the voting booth on November fourth and see only two names on the ballot. I, however, will see a third; I will see the great man, Vladimir Putin.

While the Mainstream Media has ignored this giant as much as possible (Only once "Person of the Year," Time? I was Person of the Year once!) Vladimir Putin has taken the nation of Russia, which many thought was past its prime, turned it around, and brought back that sweet Iron Curtain. And all the while, he has been there to kick the asses of any who dared challenge him.

"Hey America, we're onto you, you motherfucker!"

"Hey Poland, if you're going to suck America's dick, how about you suck on this missile?!"

"What the fuck was that look you just gave me, Georgia?!"

Although Putin has only been on the national scene for the past eight years, Vlad has always been a total fucking badass. Scientists agree, his is most likely the reincarnation of Theodore Roosevelt.

As a child, his two brothers died after he pulled out their hearts and ate them to gain their courage. While his parents were saddened by this, they agreed this was totally fucking badass.

Putin, with the bravery of three men, joined the KGB in his twenties. While granted, little is known about the KGB or what he did there. The best way to describe it is: Russia's CIA, but AWESOME! So awesome in fact, that I am sure if anyone is breeding dragons right now, it would be the KGB.

In 1996, Vladimir Putin was elected as mayor of Saint Petersburg. By 1997 Putin had amassed enough power to take over the entire country of Russia. Boris Yeltsin, the former President of Russia, was put into a very tough position. He had to appease Vladimir: Slayer of Dragons or lose his power to this God on Earth. Vladimir was given the title of Chief of the Presidential Staff, then was soon promoted to Chief of the Main Control Direction of the Presidential Property Management Department AKA You Seriously Better Not Fuck With Me. But soon, Putin got tired of this and set his sites on the crown.

While very few knew of Vladimir Putin before the 2000 election, a few exhibitions of him wresting a Polar Bear got his name out there quick. He was elected President of Russia in 2000, and historians agree this totally fucking ruled.

Once elected, he was given the problem of handling the Second Chechen Civil War. Thankfully for them, once he was elected, most of the Chechens realized that they couldn't fight this Goliath and gave up. His second coarse of action was to fix Russia's failing economy, which he did by swiftly kicking it in the nuts and told it to stop being a fucking baby. Russia boomed and started to sell weapons to anyone that wanted them, except America. Seriously, fuck them.

After turning Russia around and restored it to its former rank as a world super power. He then proceeded to try to get back at America for all those years of fucking with Russia. "Oh really Iraq has nukes? Well guess what? Fuck you! I would rather play Tetris than fucking help you."

Four years later he was then up for re-election. Putin, after saving the economy, reuniting the country, foreseeing and avoiding a failing war with Iraq, and partaking in his usual bear wrestling, easily won with 71% of the vote.

In his second term, he continued being awesome and Russia continued booming. As his second term was ending, for some idiotic reason, he had to deal with a little rebellion from an annoying Chess Champion.

Garry Kasparov, after thinking he was the total shit for beating some fucking robot, he thought he could be as sweet as Putin: Controller of Dreams, and ran for President of Russia. Putin then took that fucking pansy and locked him up for being an idiot. (Why doesn't Bush do this with Obama, we'll never know) Putin then said, "This guy Dmitry Medvedev, is half as sweet as me. So you should elect him", Dmitry then won in a landslide.

While most would have called it quits after that, Vladimir became Russia's Prime Minister. As Prime Minister, he somehow became even more awesome.

As Prime Minister of Russia, the country finally went into war with those pansy, Georgians. After years of them bitching about land. Putin was finally fed up with their bullshit, and invaded their ass and told them, "Guess who's fucking land this is now?!" But they wanted to drag out the futile battle, the poor fools.

Putin also did this while on his usual trip to Siberia. Except this time was different. While he and his buddies were all having fun and betting how many bears Putin can take on at once, a tiger showed up out of nowhere! Many of the men worried for the tiger's life when it attacked Putin, but he knew how to handle the situation. Thankfully for the tiger, Putin simply held the tiger's mouth shut and told it to "Fucking relax!" When the cat didn't, he said, "well if you won't be nice in front of my guests, I think someone is ready for nap time," and tranquilized the confused beast.

Georgia, upon hearing about how he handled the tiger, collectively crapped their pants and gave the land to Putin.

After the conflict in Georgia, Putin started teaching judo, which he learned in the KGB. He released a DVD series called, "Bear Hands: Judo Lessons from Vladimir Putin" and it became an instant international sensation.

Even more impressive is the thought that this is really just the beginning of The Man, Putin. Merely the first chapter of his book, his Odyssey. He is a God of Man, A Man of Myth, and the Myth of a Legend. Putin is bigger than Jesus. He is The Dragon Slayer.

That is why I am voting for him on November fourth. Besides, he is going to try to take over the world anyways.