Admittedly, before seeing Transformers (2007-Summer), which I saw right after it came out, (because, I guess, I am too much of an optimist) I had not really known much about Shia's works. I did however know from some commercials that aired during my favorite show, Kim Possible, that he has worked on a major motion picture with a leading role before. That movie was of coarse, Holes (2003), which was about how to make lots of big holes in order to find hidden treasure. And before Digging for Dummies, Shia got his first big start from Even Stevens (1999 – When humanity found God), which was a cable sitcom about some kid who really likes bacon.
With that in mind Disturbia, was a much more bold role when compared to acting centered around menial labor and FUCKING BACON! This was Shia's time to shine and prove that he can play with the big boys and stare at asses with the skill of an Oscar winning actor, but more on that later.
Well anyway, I could have very well went through my life without ever seeing Disturbia and I could have been perfectly content. But when asked to watch it, a couple of days ago, I had vaguely remembered that the movie got decent reviews but the critics were decidedly split on it. So I thought that it couldn't be that bad.
Well the movie gets started with Shia's character getting into trouble at school and ordered by the court to serve a house arrest. This of coarse is written out in the longest way possible without the use of a stream of thought voice over. So after this, seemingly, 15 minute introduction, the writer jumps into the roller coaster of thrills, non-stop edge of your seat, heart pumping, adrenaline filled script! Ahh, just kidding. Come on did you really think this was a thriller?
After getting home from the court Shia plays some XBOX LIVE and listens to music with iTUNES. That is until Trinity puts a stop to it. Fuck yeah! Maybe now we will get to the thriller part of this movie! Back to the plot, after losing his XBOX LIVE and iTUNES, Shia takes on America's favorite hobby of bored husbands and wifes, stalking! This jumping of interests, of course, leads me to believe that no one involved with this picture has ever used the Internet for anything outside of school. You can really tell by how scholarly they are too. But I should be fair, we have finally gotten to the plot of the classic. We are now just a few plot points to the thriller in this movie now!
Well guess what?! You will need to wait a little more, because there is a new girl in the neighborhood, played by
Speaking of questionable acts in front of windows. After watching this film, I have assessed that the entire film takes place during a massive, long term brown out. While I am sure that the scene explaining this was left on the editing room floor, I feel it is still needed in order to explain the reasoning behind the refusal of the neighbors use of blinds and the constant committing of incriminating acts in front of large windows.
I find it quite sad that the director and writer had differing views as to how the film's plot was going to work.
But moving on, Shia befriends Sarah using his power of being conversation ending-ly awkward, which I know from personal experience, the ladies love. Well, however he managed that one, Sarah starts hanging out with the troubled, convicted, creepy and some how, still boring, Shia. After a few ridiculously annoying scenes that mostly involved;
- Talking about some topic that doesn't really have anything to do with the plot
- Shia making a ridiculously awkward comment
- Sarah smiles and walks away
- Shia stares at her ass
We finally get to meet the real Sarah and much to the surprise of the audience, she loves stalking, peeping and maybe watches too much CSI.
Oh wait! I nearly forgot! There is an Asian kid too. You really don't know much about him other than for some reason he is friends with Shia. But as for a fun game while watching, you can think of him as Waldo for the film. While in nearly every scene, he's pretty hard to find some times, so much so that Shia stops just before calling him ninja-like in a scene.
Finally we have all the players, Shia,
Now if you are watching at home, I would like to say that you can now fast forward the DVD to the point where you see Trinity walk into the serial killer's house. But in case you are asked later, here is a quick bullet point of what is covered:
- Sarah has a big party, even though she just moved in, and Shia gets pissed off because he is unable to have a clean shot of her ass and starts playing bad music to drown out their bad music
- Asian Kid shows a cool trick as to how to unlock a car (No actual car) that he learned while on the set of Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift
- Ninja dies, then comes back to life much like Commissioner Gordon or Goku
- We learn that Shia's vision is perfect and he has Hollywood Photo Enhance 2007 installed on his computer.
So now that we are on the last 15 minutes of this movie, the director finally realized that he is running out of time and can't really have a psychological thriller. So he turns the entire film in to a cheesy horror flick for the skimpy final act. To make it worse, you are so pissed off at everyone who is supposed to be danger you don't care anymore. There is this one line that really rings true, while fighting with Shia, the killer shouts at him, “You made me do all this!” and in this final act, he has a point and you wish everyone to die a horrific death. While sure he is using dead bodies to insulate his house, keep a fire and make cute tea pot holders that he sells to little old ladies. The guy at least didn't lead us through a pointless series of rambling, he, on the other hand was always banging chicks, killing them and storing them; At least he was doing something.
So this note goes out to the serial killer, Mr. Turner, who is by far the most like able character in all of Distubia.
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